some months have passed since we last spoke. it’s 2:29am on a clear Wednesday night, and i’m sitting in my cozy little studio in Wesbrook Village, just off UBC campus. consider this an official apology for my lack of activity here for the past while, as well as a welcome to my overhauled blog!
to say that the intervening months have been eventful would be a grievous understatement: i’ve moved twice, learned a couple new sports, finished a few great books, picked up a new programming language, overhauled my wardrobe, and gone on enough adventures to write a short novel about.
perhaps the elephant in the room is that i’m no longer in the relationship i had been committed to for the past 2 years. while it’s been a monumental change in my life, i don’t think there’s any compelling reason to dive into it in a relatively public space such as this. suffice it to say, i’ve been taking the necessary time for healing, reflection, and introspection. i’m deeply grateful for that chapter of my life, but the pages turn ever onwards…
recently, i feel that there’s been a cultural emphasis on “self-love”, especially in the context of dealing with difficult and stressful situations in one’s life (such as a big breakup). in theory, it seems straightforward: how can you consistently do what’s best for yourself if you don’t love yourself in a healthy way (furthermore: how can you truly love others if you aren’t able to properly love yourself?)? in practice, most of what i see is people doing something nice for themselves like going on vacation, taking a spa day, or buying themselves something nice.
don’t get me wrong!!! this is good. you should 100% do nice things for yourself when you can, and the examples listed above are wonderful ways of doing so. the act of doing something nice for yourself probably puts you into a better headspace to better love others too. to me, though, the more impactful (and less expensive) practice of self-love has actually been coming to terms with the parts of myself that i don’t like. most people (maybe everyone? i don’t know. i don’t know what everyone is like) have aspects of their identity that they dislike, and make efforts to conceal, subvert, or suppress those facets of themselves.
because i resented many things about myself, i found myself quite disconnected from my personal identity, which led me to seek direction and validation from others. i felt stuck, unable to reconcile who i was with the person i wanted to be. the secret key to un-stucking this situation was by learning to forgive Baby Matthew.
Baby Matthew is every old version of myself, the sum of my past decisions, my own miniature giant whose shoulders i stand upon. it’s far too easy to blame Baby Matthew, to hate him for every missed opportunity, to berate him for every misstep and lecture him on his lack of knowledge and wisdom. i saw him as my enemy whose mistakes i suffered for every day. i think some of the critical realizations which helped me overcome this were:
- Baby Matthew was trying his best
- i only have the knowledge and wisdom i do now because of Baby Matthew’s failures, hard work, and suffering
- Baby Matthew had it pretty rough sometimes. cut him some slack. he is just a baby, after all
with this in mind, it’s much easier to have grace for Baby Matthew and to see him as a teammate, rather than an opponent. the wonderful consequence of this perspective is that i no longer live in fear of Grandpa Matthew, that is, my future selves who are looking back on my present self. however terribly i may stumble and fail in my current endeavours, i now know that my future self is looking back on me with grace and gratitude, not judgement and resentment.
(i feel it’s important to note here that i’m not advocating for a lifestyle without notions of consequences, accountability, or guilt - Baby Matthew has undoubtedly done his fair share of harm to other people, and it’s still on me to reckon with that. what i’m talking about here is overcoming cycles of self-loathing and allowing oneself space to be and feel and grow.)
arriving at these conclusions has been massively instrumental in my recent growth, fulfillment, and overall happiness - i feel much more confident being me without the need to wrestle against my self-resentment. at the end of the day, i still have my fair share of problems and flaws. the big difference is that i feel considerably more secure in my ability to understand, accept, and/or overcome them. it’s an ongoing effort, with the help of Baby Matthew and for the benefit of Grandpa Matthew (because i love them both and we are all on the same team).
this season has been one of kindling and rekindling: old joys and familiar faces find their way back into my life alongside newfound delights and relationships. there’s real comfort and reassurance to be found in the things you find yourself coming back to over and over again, especially within the context of your present knowledge and experience! i find this combination of inherent identity and continuous growth to be deeply satisfying and fulfilling.
i don’t think i’ve ever been this excited in so many different directions in my entire life; despite the state of the world, life feels full of hope and possibility. with school as hectic and time-consuming as it is and my list of unfinished projects growing longer and longer, i don’t know if i’ll be able to commit to writing here frequently or regularly. and yet! this blog brings me great joy, so i’m sure i’ll be back before too long.
i hope you are doing well!
goodbye for now,
- Present Matthew